Let's Read Wheel of Time

Looking at Darrell K. Sweet's cover for The Fires of Heaven, you really have to wonder if he was reading the same books we are, or if he was just glancing at a sticky note that said "Red coat, green coat with a pointy stick and funny hat, redhead woman in a dress." This cover masters the "90s Fantasy Bingo" aesthetic, where proportions are optional and everyone looks like they’re waiting for their shift at a Renaissance Fair to end.

In the books, Rand is supposed to be a tall, brooding twenty-year-old with the weight of the world on his shoulders. On this cover, he looks like a 45-year-old accountant named Dave who just won a "Best Dressed Bellhop" award. Why is he so short? Why is his face so… seasoned? He looks like he's about to ask if you need your bags brought up to your room, not a messiah preparing to nuke a city with Balefire.

Then we have Mat. He's scurrying out from behind a pillar like he’s trying to sell Rand some counterfeit insurance. He's got the hat, he's got the green coat, and he's holding the ashandarei — which, in this depiction, looks less like a legendary spear-sword and more like a decorative curtain rod he stole from the Royal Palace. You can see the foxhead medallion hanging there, just in case you forgot who he was, though with that "I'm too cool for this quest" posture, there's no mistaking him.

And look at Aviendha. The Aiel are supposed to be these terrifying, desert-hardened warriors who treat "Wetlander" fashion like a personal insult. So naturally, the cover depicts her in a flowing skirt and blouse, looking like she's on her way home from a day at the bakery. Wait, what?!? Where is the cadin’sor? Where are the veils? Apparently, when you're on a book cover, you have to trade your tactical spear-fighting gear for "generic tavern wench #3" attire. Aviendha is so embarrassed, she's got her head turned away from the camera.

In the shadows, we’ve got some Trollocs. Except they don’t look like the monstrous, eight-foot-tall animal hybrids described in the text. They look like guys in budget horned helmets who got lost on their way to a heavy metal concert. They're just kind of... lurking there, probably wondering why the architecture looks like a Roman bathhouse that was designed by someone who only had a ruler and a dream.

But as we all know, the authority of a painting lies in its gestalt. Does this cover represent the epic climax in Caemlyn where Rand faces off against Rahvin? Well, I don't see any fucking Rahvin or any fucking conflict! All I see is three people who appear to be confused about which room their convention panel is in.

According to my Sweet research, it has got the makings of a classic: the colors are vibrant, the detail is there, and the accuracy is absolutely nowhere to be found. But hey, it’s got the shiny gold foil on the title, so I guess we’ll buy it anyway.

Buckle up, everyone.