Perrin’s axe tries to murder him and Faile. A deck of cards tries to murder Mat. Rand’s own reflections try to murder him. What the fuck is going on? Am I reading Wheel of Time, or The Wonderful World of Disney, Nightmare Edition?
At the Stone of Tear, Faile is pacing.
FAILE: I’m thinking of leaving. I don’t think Moiraine would care.
PERRIN: Probably not. Maybe you should go.
FAILE: Perrin! Let’s run away together!
Somebody shut this bitch up, or I’m going to be sick.
PERRIN: I can’t go, Faile. What if Rand needs me?
FAILE: Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into.
Wow, Perrin. A woman who quotes Oliver Hardy, and a passive-aggressive gaslighter to boot — this one’s a keeper!
A rooster crows.
Before Perrin can continue exploring this delightfully toxic relationship, his axe leaps off its place on the wall of its own volition and rushes them with murderous intent. I can’t blame it — I was getting sick of hearing her whine too. Perrin forces Faile out of the room and grapples with the axe until it embeds itself in the wooden door. They conclude this must have happened because of something Rand did. Jeez, poor Rand can’t catch a break! I don’t know why they are blaming him when this incident was clearly perpetrated by Mickey Mouse.
Perrin stalks off to give Rand a piece of his mind.
Mat is sitting at a table with a group of Tairen lords gambling over a game of cards. These guys are first-class assholes, resigned to Rand’s rise to power, yet too set in their ways to pretend to be capable of living with morals. Mat’s internal dialogue is pulling him in two different directions — keep taking these fools’ money, or get the fuck out of there.
A rooster crows.
Just as Mat is about to demonstrate his staggering luck by winning a fat pot, the cards come to life and attack him. He throws daggers at them, and they soon return to normal. The lords are so shaken up that they’re in denial about what they just saw. Mat angrily stalks off, thinking the incident must have been Rand’s doing.
Surprise, surprise. Rand is, in fact, dreaming. We’ve heard Moiraine talk about how Aes Sedai learn to set a ward to prevent themselves from channeling in their sleep, but of course our beloved messiah hasn’t received any training. Is he channeling in his dream? Not unless fantasizing about skinny dipping with Min and Elayne counts as channeling. Oh, don’t worry, all you parents out there: Robert Jordan keeps everything PG-13, as usual.
Rand awakens in a sweat, and realizes there is an intruder in his room. He conjures his red-flame sword, leaps out of bed, and lights every candle in the room. It’s Berelain, the First of Mayene. At the end of The Dragon Reborn, she had been talking about dining with “the Lord Dragon” that first night, and it seems she has only ramped up her efforts from there. Tonight, she is wearing a robe over a wispy nightgown, and whispering in Rand’s ear about how they are “not so formal in Mayene.” Alas, this is the story of a wholesome farmboy savior whose misfortunes are no fault of his own, not the tale of a flawed everyman who would take a little action if it got thrown his way.
A rooster crows.
Things wouldn’t have gone so well if they had wound up in bed together, because Rand’s reflection comes out of a mirror and attacks him. The ensuing fight makes a mess of the room and brings Rand to the brink of exhaustion. But as we all learned from Prince of Persia, the only way to beat your reflection is to put away your sword. Rand reintegrates with his reflections, and figures it must have been the Forsaken trying to murder him.
Seriously, what the fuck happened in this chapter? Whirlpools in the Pattern? More like everyone went on a DMT trip. Nothing even remotely this weird has happened anywhere else in the series thus far. If this gets hand-waved away, I’m going to be upset.